A dog in a picture gallery has been sitting patiently in his frame, beside his sorrowful owner for over thirteen decades and would quite like to go for a shit now, it has been revealed.
Monty Barker, a white Labrador, first noticed that his owner Winnifred Bunting was upset after realising she’d been sitting on their staircase for over an hour. “I thought I’d come over just to check she wasn’t too upset” he said, “try to cheer her up, put my head on her shoulder, you know, that sort of affectionate bullshit. I wanted to be there for her.”
However, Barker has been there far longer than he anticipated without hope of satisfying that most primal of needs. “I love her lots, but at the same time, I’m absolutely fucking bursting for a shit.”
Imagine holding in a shit for 139 years. Imagine. You can’t, can you? I can.”
Other residents of the gallery have commended Barker’s devotion to his owner. Polar Bears Ronnie and Reggie Smith who live two pictures down in Man Proposes, God Disposes, have long admired Barker’s devotion. “We thought about eating him”, growled Reggie, “but he’s an absolute legend for holding it in for that long. To eat him now would be an insult, so we ate the human corpses instead”.
Barker’s neighbour directly across the gallery, Renaissance-era Cardinal Alessandro Giacomelli, said “I’ve been looking with deepest sympathy at the suffering this poor young soul has endured for the benefit of others.” Setting fire to a censored document, he added: “Maybe Christ didn’t have it so bad.”
Glancing away from her vanity mirror, Fatima Belhaj, a prospective bride who lives further down the gallery at the Babylonian Marriage Market, told us: “I’m going to be sold like an object and married to a man I don’t love, who will probably treat me very badly.”
She added: “However, I’ll at least be able to take a steaming-hot dump when I need to.”
Comments