Bottles of VK have reached an all-time high against the Pound Sterling, it has emerged.
The surge occurred in the early hours of trading in the Central University Nourishment Trade market, in which shares in food and drink companies are traded amongst Universities. With Students’ Unions closing across the country, leaving students without their favourite bottles of basically just antifreeze, demand for the SU staple has increased sharply. So gargantuan was the increase in online purchases overnight for the in-demand fluorescent drink that in the early hours of trading this morning, 34.375ml of VK was equivalent to £1.
Royal Holloway’s investment board changed their investment portfolio as soon as the news broke. Vice-Chancellor Raul LesCelles wrote in a statement ‘We’ve divested fully in fossil fuels like you asked, and are now concentrating our investment in the day-glo piss you lot puke up every Saturday morning. Are you happy now? You shits.”
American student Crystal Metheny told us she predicted the surge and strategically bulk-bought 100 ten-bottle packs of the drink during the outbreak of the virus in anticipation. The South Carolina native stated: “Having done two years of my economics course,I knew this was going to happen at some point. I’m now the owner of the largest supply of VK in Surrey. Now I just sit back and sell it for twice the price I bought it for. £16 a bottle. Hashtag Long-Game. I bet you wish you were me right now, right?”
Flatmate Joe Avery said “Crystal studies literature.”
“We’re pretty sure she’s an alcoholic.”
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